We're back in hospital awaiting a hopeful transition to a Nursing Home, I took her back in on weds (5/1/11) on the request of the Dr. When I arrived to collect her she didn't look well and at one point in the car I thought she had left us. She had been staggering and listing to one side as we got ready to leave and was giving me a reason for concern. After sitting with her for an hour I rang daughters partner and insisted that he got her to visit in case it was the last time of seeing her, the same with hubby. I wanted them to have no recriminations afterwards. They both found it a harrowing experience. The following day she was up and about again! Even the nursing staff felt the same as me, which was in a way comforting.
True to the relationship I have with her and had with FIL I would not lie to her and had told her where we were going; she was happy with this and understood what I was saying.
In the few days that she has been in we have noticed a serious decline in her physically and mentally.
Yesterday was quite traumatic as a 30 minute visit turned into 1 1/2 hrs with most of it being me trying to get away and her holding my hand and insisiting that she was coming home with me. Making comments like 'I came here with you and now I'm coming home with you' 'I wouldn't have come if I'd known you weren't taking me back' 'You can take me home and then come back again' 'I need to get home to do grandads tea' 'A will be upset if you don't take me home'
All the time this was going on she was holding my hand tightly and was determined not to let me go; perhaps it was her way of trying to hold on to reality and not slip back into the muddled state that she spends most of her time in.
When I finally got away I heard her saying 'She's gone now and I'll never see her again'
So heart wrenching and I admit that by the time I got to the car there were a few tears. But, sorry, that is me, I wear my feelings on my sleeve.
At one point I even had thoughts about stopping working and looking after her for the duration but then common sense took over and I realised that it would only be salving a conscience and would save others any worry and would not be what is best for her.
Now though, I worry about visiting again, in case this happens on another visit
I know this is just another phase of the illness but how on earth do 'caring' people cope with all these emotions? Sometimes I wish I was hard and could switch off after visiting. I appreciate that this is life and others have done and will continue to go through this, but , I have found that it helps to unburden the brain to write about it.
Carole
ReplyDeleteYour mother-in-law is feeling lost, frightened and insecure in an unfamiliar environment. Keep in mind that she had been feeling like this in her own home before admission, and isolated, causing her to withdraw into herself – so don’t punish yourself. Naturally reassure her that you will be back to see and love her. But also speak to the part of her conversation that validates how she is feeling. As you do, reflect her pain in your voice tone and words so she can hear and feel that you understand.
Home means to most people, warmth, love, familiarity, comfort, routine and loved ones, these are the things she is missing and it is understandable. Perhaps try speaking to these concepts
e.g “I will miss you to and want you home but I need you to be save because I love you”
“it’s awful being in a strange place and not knowing where your things are, we must make sure you have everything you need”.
“You were always there for granddad, what was his favourite meal? You were married a long time (don’t ask for actual dates and figures they will be hard for her to recall and it’s irrelevant) take the opportunity to reminisce.
The care home should understand the reference to home and in time work together to ensure the care home offers her the warmth, love, familiarity, comfort, routine and people that love her as she had in her own home. When this is achieved she will eventually call the care home home as her emotional needs are being met.
Everyone is different, reflective listening with empathy goes along away. Dementia doesn’t take away the individual’s right to express emotions, even if we find it hard. Our basic human needs are the same for everyone with or without dementia.
Carole you are not along. The Alzheimer’s Society can help you with your feelings so please contact them.
Julia